F***ing Liberals!

I experienced my first “gay bashing” when I was about 21 years old.

I was in Buffalo, NY visiting my then girlfriend, who is a gender non-conforming woman. We were in line at Starbucks when she leaned over, put her hand on my back and then draped it over my shoulder.

We heard a woman behind us in line begin to murmur words almost unintelligibly until she began with more force to yell things with a surprising anger. I still am not certain most of what she said, but I definitely heard speech about God and the Bible, then heard clear as day, “FUCKING LIBERALS” while she stormed out of the Starbucks.

Everyone was looking at us. I laughed because I had no words. My girlfriend didn’t laugh. The Starbucks workers apologized profusely with shock and horror on their faces. As if they played a hand in it. As if they needed to be the kindest they could be, to make up for the shitty people in the world. No, I suppose that woman’s opinion (who the Starbucks workers’ proceeded to explain to us was actually a bit crazy and was a regular annoyance at their location) was the minority in the room that day. When she left, status quo was restored and no one seemed to care much about what we were doing.

But that moment. Is truly so visceral it’s hard to describe. I don’t wish it on anybody. It feels so personally violating – like someone has just spit in your face. The display of anger and hatred toward us was an incomprehensible experience. We hadn’t done a single thing to her and yet she could feel anger and hatred toward us.

My girlfriend remained pretty quiet. We ordered our drinks and let the shame subside, until she hurried out of the Starbucks. The woman was across the street walking away when my girlfriend screamed, “God loves me and He still loves you too!” She was angry. I know she was angry it was oozing out of her pores. This was not her first “gay bashing” and it wouldn’t be her last. She is a masculine presenting woman – aka – an easy target for such behavior. She proceeded to explain several experiences she’s had with such behavior, things I never knew (and I could write a novel, so I won’t disclose them all here).

Having never experienced it, I had a much more shocked and reserved reaction. I was in disbelief, I tried to go over the things she said 10,000 times – certain I missed something and we were not the actual targets of her rage. It was nonsensical. I am too logical a person to make sense of it.

Now, I know it could have been much worse. I have heard dozens of similar or worse stories from my many gay and lesbian friends. You’d be hard-pressed to find one out LGBT person who has not experienced such things. But the cynicism and skepticism it has created in me and disheartening. I had to learn to be on higher alert wherever I am. More aware. Hyper-sensitive. Fearing a crowd in a public place – wondering if it is accepting enough. Liberal enough. Compassionate enough. My friend, a gay man, just visited me in Brooklyn a couple weeks ago. Without thinking twice, he asked me if he’d be okay walking around “like this.” I still felt a bit shocked by his question, he replied, “Yanno, with my chest showing in this V neck.” I was so angry that he even had to ask. He thinks about those things as he gets dressed in the morning. When he visits new places. Will the full expression of himself get him into a compromising situation? I was sad and mad.

So I urge you, not to apologize  but to ask and engage. To hear us out. To try to understand. To exhibit empathy for a situation you will never have to go through yourselves. Universal social equality will only come with greater understanding of one another.

The brilliant Jesse Williams said it best, “The existence of your neighbor’s pain is not dependent upon your belief in it.”